The end of summer brings catching up with friends, telling tales of warm adventures and work-escapes. Tonight I saw an acquaintance who was telling me all his exciting summer news... a baby on the way, a new job, a new home. When he looked at me and said "and what's new with you?" I didn't know what to say. My insides felt like screaming "I HAVE MS, and it sucks," but I didn't. I nodded along to his stories, happy for him. But inside, I was wishing it was me who had happy, exciting news. Something to be proud of, something to be excited for. Instead, I get to be excited that I have a Neurologist appointment this week, that I get to start discussing meds and learning how to inject myself. I get to think about MRIs and drug side-effects and when this blasted disease will strike again.
J starts Kindergarten next week, and as excited I am about full-time school, I am also a little nostalgic about our last 5 years together. This is the start of many years to come - his education...perhaps the start of his occupation. His life. I want to be excited for him, I want to encourage him, and be there for him in everything he chooses to do. But I worry this sense of "it's not fair" is going to take a greater hold on me than I want.
Although those feelings are not just going to disappear, perhaps I can shove them in my back pocket for a while.
I need to get proactive. Even if I need to spell it out to myself every single day.
I am going to start meditation class again. I am going to start weekly therapy again. And without getting too New-Yearsy with the resolutions, I am going to surround myself with bath bombs, and wine, and good food, and stop yelling at my kids so much.