Monday, 27 August 2012

The kids

This is my first week being a full-time Mom.  Of two very busy boys.  Crazy how the universe decided it would also be the week I'd be diagnosed with MS and my life would go into an emotional frenzy.

My energy is down, the motivation is lacking.  There have been far too many trips for Timbit bribes to keep the boys quiet.  I feel like I need to sit and be alone with my thoughts for a week.  I need to pour over every detail of what I am feeling, write it all down - word by word.  I need to nap.  I need to savour a quiet cup of coffee with my journal. 

I don't know why my boys are stressing me out so much,  They are familiar creatures to me - I know their habits, their schedules, their breaking-points.  They are like extensions of me.  But I feel like I cannot concentrate on their needs and my own right now.  After the zillionth "I'm thirrrrrrsty!" or living room wrestling match-turned-injury, my patience snaps and I find myself wishing I was alone on a deserted beach somewhere.

Then I begin to wonder if I should explain to my oldest, who is 5, what is going on.  How does that conversation go?  "Mommy has something wrong with her brain and you need to stop stressing her out!" 

Life with kids is constant and I wonder how long it will take before my relationship with them feels "normal" again?  When I feel I can stop thinking about this shitty MS and start thinking about them?  Kindergarten starts in a week - I'll only have one to contend with then (at least from 9-3!).

Until then - Medication?  Wine?  Babysitters?  All of the above, I think.

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