Of my thoughts, that is.
My dose of Rebif goes up by 100% tonight. It's my final bump up and my month-long drug titration is done. My regular, "for-life" dose begins. I almost feel like celebrating... I have survived the needles, the bruises, the weird red marks, the week-long headaches and body pains. Now - I hope - things will self-regulate and my body will be in tune with the medication over the long-term.
The tingly toes have subsided - except for one, and the tingly fingers came and went, with just one sticking around for now. I must be amusing to watch - tapping finger against finger - trying to figure out what feels new, different, the same - or whether, indeed - I really am just crazy. The MS-mind is the ultimate test of anxiety-control. Sometimes I pass, a lot of the time I fail. There is this overwhelming sense of "waiting" that does not subdue. Waiting for what happens next and not knowing. Waiting to see how bad it will be and and not knowing. And waiting for when and not knowing.
I typically do not do well with the whole "not knowing" scenario. Another ironic twist to this diagnosis, another lesson for me to learn, another route I have to choose with acceptance.
Grounding myself in specific things helps fight this out-of-control feeling. I am trying to be more deliberate in life. To talk more. To enjoy and look at beautiful things. I finally unpacked my Grandmother's crystal wine glasses - and used one. Sitting quietly, just looking at this beautiful glass, feeling it's weight in my hands, made me smile and think of my her. It was a genuinely happy (with no lingering crazy-MS thoughts) moment. Next, I meet with and design my dainty, yet significant tattoo with one of this city's most respected artists. Now that's control I look forward to...