Wednesday, 16 January 2013

Emotional dehydration

Emotions are not coming easily to me.  It's been like this for months.  I feel this unknown weight inside of me - this weight that wants to come bursting out.  This weight that wants to cry and scream and just let it all go.  I want to let go - unload - some of this emotion.

I want to, but I can't.

Not when it comes to directly facing this.  Not when it's just me in a room, alone with my thoughts.

If multiple sclerosis had eyes, I feel like I still couldn't look into them - 5 months later.

Last night, as I was trying to fall asleep, the only thought that kept creeping into my subconsciousness was this:

"This is my new forever"

And it's true.  This is my "forever."  This will be a constant in my life.  When people, jobs, and homes come and go, this will always be here.  Always.  And I hate that.

I just need to say that... I hate that...

(I know this is depressing, sorry - but unloading it - and writing it - helps)

Sunday, 6 January 2013


The value of support, and in turn, it's exact important in my life, has changed so drastically over the past few months.

It comes in different forms, evokes different emotions.  But always warms my heart.

It has been little things, and big things...

The sharing of personal information and experiences to help me feel less alone.

A nice fuzzy pair of socks to "warm my tingly toes," a delivery of Indian food for dinner, or a gift from friends across the country.

It all comes down to the people - my friends, my family, and recently - complete strangers.

I joined a MS support group this week.  It is for newly diagnosed young people.  There are only 6 people in the group and we meet once a month.  We spent almost 3 hours talking about needles and injections and supplements.  We lifted our shirts and shared our bruised battle scars.  We debated treatment vs non-treatment.  We shared our diagnosis stories. 

I don't feel like I learned anything new about this disease or how I will treat it, react to it, or live with it.  But I truly learned I am not alone in this.  Reiterating this over and over again - that is crucial.

People who "get it" because they live it.  I need to saturate myself in that. 

And that very night, after my emotion-filled support group meeting, I was usurped by some Mama-friends for an evening out.  They took me to dinner and presented me with a gift.  A gift that I still, a day later, cannot fully comprehend.  These women have given their hearts, time (and wallets!) to me in perhaps the most generous showing of support I have ever seen.  They collectively decided to help me with the things I am struggling with the most - cooking, cleaning, and childcare.  Just because they could and just because they wanted to.  They have lifted some stress, brought my shoulders down a little, and I feel like I can breathe.  And smile.  Lots.