Monday, 3 June 2013

Filling the void?

They say when you get diagnosed with something, you rush to do all the things you've never done...

Filling the voids; crossing items off the bucket list.

Doing things now, at this exact moment, rather than planning far into the future.

This has been problematic for me lately.  I go through these stages where I come up with something that will make this diagnosis disappear.  Something that will mask it, make me forget it, and re-focus me onto something other than MS.

But it's a double-edged sword.

Yes, it's good to not be MS-centric.  And it's therapeutic to enjoy things that may have been forgotten through the busy last few years of life.

But, it also places way too much importance on things that I don't necessarily need to fill this "void."

In all honesty - I don't need anything.

It's easy to forget about the constants in my life - especially my kids - when it comes to enjoying the littlest things.  It's easy to forget how hilarious it is to watch my boys dance, to watch them seriously barter cookies for gummy bears.  One of my favourite things to do is just watch them - when they don't know it.

So, I wonder - why is that sometimes not enough?  Why do I have this constant brain-badminton about getting a puppy or planning a holiday or finding a part-time job?

Why is it a struggle to just be happy, as is?

It's hard for me to admit this is an issue.  Even simply recognizing it took an evening of those crazy-tears nobody wants to see. 

And as cliché as all this is - sometimes all you need in life is what's staring right back at you.

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