This is less post-like and more collective-rambling-of-thoughts.
Today I am thankful for MRI cancellation lists. My repeat spinal cord MRI appointment has been bumped up to this Monday! I am especially thankful that my Neurologist's hand written request on the referral seems to have worked.
I can feel that my spinal cord symptoms are the ones acting up lately, so getting this report will ease my scrutinizing personality.
I also want to acknowledge that I've been a cynical bitch lately. Unless you too have MS, or a variant of it, you can't truly understand this. I now know I don't like comparisons between people and situations. It does not help. If you've been a victim of this cynicism - sorry, it's nothing personal.
My facial symptoms are gone for now, and what I can physically feel is my usual numbness and weakness in my extremities. I notice I drop things; am more clumsy than before; need to be weary of which foot or which hand does what. It's the little things I never would have thought about - like buying flats to wear to a wedding because I can no longer do heels - safely or gracefully.
And although not great, I am thankful for these little things. Because, despite them, I can walk, I can speak, and unlike this time last year, I can see.
And, more so than ever, I am amazed at what the human spirit can do. Cliché aside, It feels like all the work - and this has been hard work - to get to the mental space I am in right now has finally been worth it.
Lots of this 'work' I haven't spoken much about before. Partially because dealing with the stigma of having MS can be enough in itself, but also because, as a society, the subject of mental health doesn't usually garnish a second's attention.
But it should.
I credit my growing acceptance of MS to re-working my thoughts and my reactions; to learning more about the biology and physiology of what is happening to me.
To weekly therapy.
To monthly MS support group meetings.
To the use of anti-depressants and anti-anxiety medication.
Because really - when you already have issues with anxiety and stress, how could this diagnosis not make it worse? Diet, meditation, medication and relaxation have become important parts of my daily life - as best I can. MS and non-MS.
I can't just sit here, snap my fingers, pop some pills, and hope to feel happy. I need to create that for myself.
Finally, I don't feel consumed by every new twitch, tingle or misguided sensation.
At least for now. And that's all I can ask for.