Thursday, 12 March 2015

Reeling in the expectations

I have a very guilt-filled relationship with my MS.

Mostly to do with my kids.

Life was always go-go-go for me.  Career, kids, balancing the two.  Add in the incredible MS fatigue, and it's so hard to stay above water.

We've talked about fatigue before, but I'll mention it again now.  It is one of the most common symptoms associated with all forms and stages of MS.  And can be severely debilitating.

It's hard to accept that.

Being so stubborn, I attempt to continue on with life - determined to make everything just like before

As if my life is now defined into two stages - before MS and after.

I struggle to keep up with my former self.  Activities, trips with the kids, producing the energy parenthood requires.

And after the start of a very busy spring break with my energy-filled kids, it catches up.  And I feel horrible.  Sick and tingly.  Foggy.

I know the process well.  It's been happening for at least a year now.  But I just don't catch on.  Perhaps I'm clinging to the hope that maybe, just maybe, today it'll be different? 

I probably haven't fully mourned the old me yet.  The woman who was healthy and had only positive life plans. 

And letting go of that order and control.

I can't change what I have been dealt.  And I do my best to be accepting and gentle with myself.

But man, adaptation is hard.  Even years in process.

Today's going to be a restful, quiet day.  And I am grateful.

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